2016 was quite the year. In fact, it was the year that defined me as a person.
It was the year I became a mom.
It is true what they say about being a parent. Name any cliche saying you have ever heard about being a mother and it is undoubtedly true.
However, there is so much that they don’t tell you.
No one talks to you about the amount of exploding poop you are going to have to deal with, how much vomit you’re going to be wearing all of the time, and I am positive that there wasn’t a single person to tell me how much enjoyment my son was going to get out of biting my chin when he cut his first two teeth – seriously though, no amount of teething toys has given him the same satisfaction as biting my chin – but I will save that one for later.
If it wasn’t for facebook and social media, one might actually start to think that they are the only mother (or parent) to experience these unspoken “joys” of parenthood.
A few days ago a friend of mine posted a facebook status about their childs mood swings – asking why no one mentioned anything about them. Moments later it was comment after comment after comment about all the things NO ONE tells you about child rearing.
Your kid is going to have gas.
LOTS of gas.
And it is just as uncomfortable for them as it is us. But they can’t push out a fart like adults can. You have to do it for them. Cue the bicycle legs, and tummy rubs, and belly squishes, and torso twists. Basically you spend hours (delicately, of course) positioning your baby in all sorts of new poses to try and squeeze out a single damn fart. That does NOTHING to ease their discomfort. And then you start the contortioning all over again – because you know – practice makes perfect!
And then there is POOP!
SO MUCH STINKIN’ POOP. Sure you hear about how you need to check the poop, it’s color, texture, consistency, etc, but no one tells you about how many POOP EXPLOSIONS (or as I call them – poopsplosions) that are going to happen. How a single child that small can poop that much at once. Or how poop can travel that far up a kids back. Or puddle underneath them while they are sitting in their bumbo chair. Or how many outfits they are going to ruin – and yes there have been a few times where I literally needed to cut my child out of a onesie to prevent more of a mess from occuring. And then there was that time my child was single handedly responsible for the poop-ocalypse
Or how about the Vomit – not spit up – but PROJECTILE VOMIT
We all know that babies puke. That for the first little while spit up is going to happen after every meal regardless of how much you’ve burped them. What we don’t hear about, is how far that puke can go. Like all over the wall when you are feet away from it. Or in the hair of the person that is not even really standing next to you. Or all over the dog who then runs around the house trying to lick it off (ewwwww..)
And just when you think you have got a handle on one thing and know exactly what to do – EVERYTHING changes.
The poopsplosions will stop eventually – and then you’ll start them on solids and they will start again but be MUCH worse – especially after they haven’t pooped for a day or two. And you won’t have to push farts out for them anymore but that will be replaced with teething or mood swings. And in between all the messes and the freakouts, there are wonderful moments where you understand why all the sayings are so cliche.
There is never a dull moment when it comes to parenting. If its not one thing it certainly is another. And while I have been super appreciative of all the advice I’ve been giving about babies since having my darling little turd, I think it’s time we start talking about what it’s really like – whether it is poop, puke, or having to push out farts.